Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Kiss Of Death

Lately, maybe because it's nearing Valentine's Day, I find myself thinking a lot about Kirk's "relationships." In the first season, Kirk repeatedly maintains that he is "married" to the Enterprise. That's the stoic, captainly kind of talk I buy from Picard but not, in a million years, would I buy it from Kirk. Not only is Kirk "seeing other people" (sorry Enterprise) but things don't go particularly well when he does.

Typically, the mating habits of a Kirk go as follows:
Step 1- Kirk spots an unsuspecting female
Step 2- She's seduced by his charisma/power/haltingly delivered words of love
Step 3- He grabs her by the shoulders
Step 4- He smooshes his face into hers as if he's trying to come out the other side of her head

Honestly, by Step 3, these women are doomed. Once Kirk gets those canned hams around the tender flesh of your arms, you might as well kiss your sanity/life/entire planet goodbye.

So, today, I thought I'd pay tribute to most (I say "most" because, in reviewing my notes, I feel sure I'm leaving someone out) of the poor, doomed women who happened to get all kissy-faced with our hound dog captain. Now, please remove your caps, bow your heads, and take a moment of silence for:

Kirk's Doomed Girlfriends

Lenore Karidian
Fate: Full mental breakdown

Edith Keeler
Fate: Hit by a truck
(They cut away before the kiss but the implication is that
they slept together) 

Fate: Stoned to Death
PS- She was pregnant with Kirk's love child.

Fate: Whole Society Condemned to Death 

Fate: Death by Kirk-Transmitted-Disease
Also: Introduction of disease to entire, previously germ-free culture

Fate: Full breakdown, death

Janice Lester
Fate: Full breakdown after a cross-body transference with Kirk  

I would also add Yeoman Rand who had a huge crush on Kirk 
and was terrorized and almost raped by his dark, inner self.  

Yeoman Janice Rand
Fate: Written off the show

Only by remembering these women can we honor their sacrifice. That is--we can honor their role as a beautiful but tragic plot device. 


  1. How does the man have time to destroy so many lives/planets and still have time to spare to work on that hair? Baffling.

    1. You know, I spend a lot of time actually staring at Kirk's mop. It gets ruffled in his many, many fistfights and every time this happens, I pause it in an attempt to better understand the construction. It's a modern (post-modern?) marvel.

  2. It's like he's a romantically radioactive, sending out waves of toxic karma to whoever he kisses!

    1. It's true! Occasionally these women merely end up being married off to green-skinned, ostentatious kings or returning to their gladiator culture to start afresh but, mainly, these women are scarred for the rest of their short lives after a mere tryst with Kirk.


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